"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I love you. Go after that dick
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
