She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
