I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
