I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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