Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Randomize
