Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
And then he peed in my hair
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