I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Randomize
