I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
