We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
