please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
