sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
false alarm, still single
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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