before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
