so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
