Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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