Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
