If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
