the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
