I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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