So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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