dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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