Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
