so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
