Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
