if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
