I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
