Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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