I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
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