You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
