how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
