Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
