There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I can't turn off my feet"
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
