DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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