we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
