Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
