Kareoke will never be a sober sport
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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