So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
