Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
