Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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