Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
