she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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