I met the friendliest cop last night
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
