Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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