My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
