Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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