i would punch a child for taco bell
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
