I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
