I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
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