My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
