hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
