I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
