i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
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