I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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