its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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