He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
