I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
