May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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