we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Randomize
