I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
