The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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