yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
