He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
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i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
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A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize